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What Dog Is Your Sun Sign Like? (An Apology)

(Editor’s note: The recently posted “What Dog Is Your Sun Sign Like?” has been removed due to its exceptionally poor quality and the numerous complaints we have received from readers. In its place we present a selection of those complaints. Regular contributor Matthew Currie has been sent to his room and is not allowed to come out until he stops blaming Mercury retrograde.)

Aries: “I resent all of the negative assertions made about pit bulls, which are a fine and noble breed of dog, and I especially resent being compared to those negative qualities. If I ever find you I will rip your throat out for this.”

Taurus: “Whoever wrote this drivel clearly knows nothing about either dogs or Tauruses. Pomeranian? No. Pomeranians are relatively affordable. Taurus is much more like the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, which costs around five times more than a Pomeranian.”

Gemini: “Yes, I am intelligent, just like a border collie . but it is ridiculous to assume that if I am left unstimulated I will start shredding the furniture to relieve my boredom. I find it’s a lot easier to clean up after smashing a few plates in the kitchen instead.”

Cancer: “I’m not sure what you are getting at comparing me to a dachshund, but I’m pretty sure my feelings are hurt because of it.”

Leo: “Who’s a good boy? I’M a good boy, and y’all damned well better know it!”

Virgo: “Where do you guys get off, comparing me to a slobbery, shaggy dog that’s always shedding? It’s pretty obvious that I’m actually an American Hairless Terrier.”

Libra: “A Wire-Haired Fox Terrier? Get lost. My hair is perfect and you know it.”

Scorpio: “No. The correct answer was ‘Cerberus.'”

Sagittarius: (Had no response. Someone left the gate open and Sagittarius ran away.)

Capricorn: “Oh, a Great Pyrenees because they were bred to contain and control goats. Ha. Ha. How very not clever of you. I know I didn’t pay to read this article, but I’d like my money back anyway.”

Aquarius: “Although, yes, Laika was the first dog to orbit the Earth, he didn’t survive. I’m much more like Belka, who survived the trip and went on to have several lovely puppies.”

Pisces: “It made me very sad that you compared my Sun Sign to a three-legged rescue dog. Rescue dogs, even the most damaged ones, deserve our love even if they don’t always end up finding a Forever Home. Oh wait, now I get it…”