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Your Zodiac Symbol Has Changed: Capricorn

The Secret Masters Of Astrological Knowledge (SMOAK) have declared that the traditional symbols for all twelve Zodiac Signs will be replaced and updated effective November 1st of this year. And by the way, you had all better start getting used to recognizing our power and importance. Because if you don’t? We are in the middle of building an entirely new planet. We’re not sure what to call it yet. Tentatively, we’re going with “Super Double Pluto Maximus,” but based on its appearance and function, people will probably just end up calling it “The Death Star.” You’ve been warned.

THE SIGN: Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

FORMER SYMBOL: The Goat. Or possibly, a “Sea Goat.” Whatever it takes to get the job done.

WHAT THE FORMER SYMBOL GOT RIGHT: An ambitious climber when it comes to achieving goals. Steadfast and durable. Kind of cute when it starts taking itself a little too seriously.

NEW SYMBOL: The Tardigrade (various members phylum Tardigrada)

WHAT THE NEW SYMBOL ADDS: Tardigrades are surprisingly hard to kill. When necessary, they are capable of putting themselves in a state of cryptobiosis. That’s when their metabolism drops to less than 1/100 of a percent of normal, and they can shed 99% of the water in their body. Tardigrades have been observed to go without food or water for more than three decades, and can then be rehydrated. Then they get back to business as usual afterwards.

Tardigrades can survive at a wide range of temperatures. They can live at minus 20 degrees C (-4 F) for over 30 years, and can survive a few minutes at 150° C (304 F). They can actually survive in an outer space-like vacuum or endure a pressure of 6,000 atmospheres… which is six times higher than any pressure on the Earth’s surface.

So basically, if you owe a tardigrade money? No matter where you hide, he’s going to find you.