Newsroom

A Message From Saturn, In The Last Degree Of Capricorn

ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF EARTH:

I’m now in the last, “anaretic” degree of Capricorn. This makes me particularly powerful, and maybe you’ve noticed that. And frankly, a lot of are dropping the ball.

Look. I know so many of you complain about me and the lessons I try to teach you. I’m going to point out some specific examples of those of you who are handling your fears improperly. No names though: you know who you are.

You, over there behind the keyboard, spreading crap around about how COVID-19 is going to lead to stacks of bodies piled in the street and general utter chaos? Cut it out. Fear-mongering is for losers. I demand you all click here and read this right now , and then click here, about how dangerous this virus actually is.

And you? Yeah you, the one spreading nonsense about how COVID-19 is part of a secret Chinese plot to somehow make America/your President look bad? Cut that out. It’s a nonsense. And you, the other one, everyone that this virus is a secret plot by the United States to make China look bad? You’re just as stupid.

You, over there in the corner, yelling about how “the mainstream media is fuelling fears of COVID-19 in order to cover up ______?” Stop it. The news outlets you’re referring to are simply responding to the laws of supply and demand, and people love a good panic. Don’t blame them for your inability to change the channel.

And you people over there. The ones who started the stampede of panic over toilet paper? There’s just no words for you. I don’t know whether to feel sad for you or angry. Either way though, you suck.

In conclusion: cut it out. I’m still going to be just as Saturn as even after I enter Aquarius next week. But I’ll be back in July to check up on you all.