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Dump Your Date On Valentine’s Day With Astrology! (Part One)

Valentine’s Day is once more upon us, and astrology fans everywhere know what that means: over-simplified Sun Sign articles about what to get/do with your loved one, often written by freelancers whose knowledge of astrology is limited to what they have read online by other freelancers who know little about astrology.

I am here to fix all of that for you. You’re welcome.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated as an occasion for romance, but it can easily be put to a much more practical use: a passive-aggressive way to force someone’s hand and make them do the breaking up for you. The best way to do that is to take a direct stab their ego, and that’s where Sun Signs come in. Aim that dagger straight the heart of your partner’s Sun Sign, gift-wrap it nicely, and you can walk away from that relationship looking like the good guy!

In that spirit, here are some fun and easy Valentine’s Day suggestions that will help drive that wedge between you that you know you secretly desire.

ARIES: Go to a nice and cozy romantic candlelit dinner. Pick a slow one. Tell Aries to be patient. Tell Aries not to fidget, and make sure you are critical of your partners table manners. Order for Aries and do not give Aries any options. Stick Aries with the bill.

TAURUS: Take Taurus somewhere fun but loud and distracting, preferably a rodent-themed pizza joint for children. make sure you are seated on the least comfortable plastic benches the place has, preferably next to the loudest section of video games. select for Taurus the limpest and least appealing slices of plain cheese pizza. Frequently ask if “you’re having a great time, or what?”

GEMINI: A library or, if available, a retreat at a Benedictine monastery. Insist that it would be really romantic if Gemini sat quietly and read a book you choose, in order that they may “know your soul better.” Hand Gemini the least interesting reading material you can find, like a Buick repair manual. Stare intently at Gemini and insist they keep going from beginning to end. Allow no commentary until the book is finished.

CANCER: Cancer is well known for having security issues. That’s why your dream date should be a visit to the most run-down fast food joint in the worst neighborhood in your town. If you live in a small town, take a trip to the nearest large one. Keep asking for everyone who passes by if they have any crack for sale. If anyone says they do, point at Cancer and say “I’m not the one with the money.”

LEO: Leo his fond of the classics, and loves emotional drama and being the center of attention. That’s what makes your Valentine’s Day so easy to plan with Leo. Just have your Leo show up at the appointed place and time, and warn him or her in advance that you’re going to be a few minutes late. Don’t show up. Tip the waiter in advance to approach Leo every 5 minutes and say something loudly, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER NOW, OR DO YOU SOMEHOW THINK YOUR LUCK WILL CHANGE?

VIRGO: Virgo has a reputation for being fond of cleanliness and order, and having a great love for animals. Thus, the ideal date for getting rid of your Virgo is to go shoot rats at the local dump. For bonus points, talk about whatever outbreak of illness has been on the news lately as often as possible, while occasionally coughing on Virgo. Spit frequently.

NEXT TIME: What, you thought Libra through Pisces were off the hook this Valentine’s Day? Ha! Nope.