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Dump Your Date On Valentine’s Day With Astrology! (Part Two)

(If you missed Part One of this series, in which I demonstrate how to use Sun Sign astrology to passive-aggressively ruin your relationship on Valentine’s Day, click here for it. Or: maybe you already used that advice to get the break-up you crave and now you’re ready to move on to screwing up a relationship with someone from the second half of the Zodiac. If that’s the case, congratulations on using the full power of astrology, and now here’s Part Two!)

LIBRA: Bring dinner over, consisting of a couple of peanut butter sandwiches in a brown paper bag. Let Libra know that you’re not being cheap, you just need to save money because you have an exciting and expensive surprise for Libra after dinner. When you are done your sandwiches, announce to Libra that you’re going shopping for jewelry. Take Libra to the cheapest dollar-store junk jewelry joint you can find, hand Libra a $5 bill, and say “anything you want babe! Knock yourself out! I’ll wait in the car.”

SCORPIO: Scorpios have a reputation for loving a good mystery, and they seem to enjoy delving deep into the personal lives of anyone they partner with. That’s why the ideal Valentine’s Day for your Scorpio is if you call at the last minute to cancel your plans, and accidentally call your Scorpio by someone else’s name… ideally, while in a crowded bar or with a noisy party going on in the background. Do not answer any of Scorpio’s calls for a week, and don’t answer any text messages with anything longer than five words.

SAGITTARIUS: Sagittarius loves its freedom. Take your Sagittarius out to dinner with the promise of an exciting and sexy evening to follow. Go back to Sagittarius’ place and tie him or her securely to the bed and insert a ball gag in his or her mouth. Leave.

CAPRICORN: Take Capricorn to a classy and expensive restaurant. Get up to go pay the bill, but then come back to the table and tell Capricorn that all your cards are maxed out. After Capricorn pays for the meal, propose marriage… on the condition that Capricorn pays off all of your loans first, that is.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius has a reputation for being open minded and willing to explore the ideas of others. Take Aquarius out somewhere and then, reading from a lengthy prepared list, explain to Aquarius why everything he or she believes is wrong, crazy, or stupid. Conclude by telling Aquarius to go “get a real job and get your heads out of the damned clouds.”

PISCES: The average Pisces is a soft, caring, and gentle soul. Consider taking your date on a tour of the local meat packing plant, followed by a dinner of all you can eat ribs. Complain loudly about how the labor is at the packing plant is overpaid. Garnish with phrases like “I’d strangle those cows myself with my bare hands for half what they’re getting paid. just to see the look of surprise in their big stupid eyes!”