Stupid Comet Fails To Deliver Apocalypse, Millions Face Disappointment

Mar 19, 2020, in Astrology, Current Event

(SCENE: The Action News Seven set)

NEWSCASTER: Good evening. I’m Edna Yamaguci-Jackson. Today’s top story: astronomers are excitedly reporting the approach of Comet ATLAS, which may be brighter than the planet Venus in the night sky. Scientists tell us that it will likely be at its brightest on May 31st, and poses no threat to Earth. But — are they lying? Let’s go to Matthew Currie, president of AWAPH — Astrologers Who Aren’t Peddling Hysteria — for his perspective.

(Cut to: a messy living room couch, where MATTHEW CURRIE sits amid a pile of wrappers and unwashed drinking glasses. He casually scratches the five-day-old stubble on his chin)

MC: What up, Edna?

NEWSCASTER: Matthew, a lot of people are concerned that this comet could be some kind of indicator that the end times are upon us. What’s your opinion?

MC: First of all, Edna, the astrological effects of a comet are kind of hard to sort out. Most of them don’t come on a regular basis so it’s pretty hard to tell what (if any) effect they have. They certainly do seem to bring the superstitious terror out, though.

NEWSCASTER: You’ve got to admit it’s been a rough time for a lot of people recently. A terrible economy, coronavirus, and so forth. Does this have any connection with comet Atlas?

MC: No. Not at all. Zip. Nada.

NEWSCASTER: But, comets have always had a reputation for things like the death of a king or something like that, don’t they?

MC: Yes, that’s true. But there’s no obvious statistical correlation, and kings die all the time. As for the chance of it actually colliding with Earth? The closest it will approach us will be 1/4 of an astronomical unit. Stretch your arm out in front of you as far as you can, and then extend your index finger. See the distance between your nose and the tip of your index finger? Add another 37 million kilometres to it. That’s how close this comet is coming to Earth — at its closest. People have enough things they’re bent out of shape already. I’m not going to contribute to any of it.

NEWSCASTER: I see. Thank you for your time Matthew. And now for a different opinion, we go to a paranoid little dog.

(Cut to: several minutes of a snarling and barking Chihuahua, straining at the leash to bite the cameraman.)

NEWSCASTER: After the break, an exclusive Action News investigation. Jesus hasn’t returned yet. Is he in self-quarantine?

 

Matthew Currie

Matthew Currie is an astrologer, counselor and writer with over 25 years of experience and numerous appearances on television, radio, and podcasts. He is the author of "Conquer The Universe With Astrology," (available on Amazon) and is available for private consultations. Send him an e-mail (astrologyshow@gmail.com). Matthew likes hearing from you.

He also predicted that yes, you WOULD end up here reading this.