The Shocking TRUTH About Taurus!

Apr 22, 2021, in Astrology

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Matthew Currie is not currently available due to an infected quincunx. In his place we present Reverend Doctor Guru Onan Gupta, The World’s Greatest Astrologer. He is the author of the book “Reverend Doctor Guru Onan Gupta, The World’s Greatest Astrologer.”)

Greetings, less enlightened ones! I am here today to share my profound wisdom about Taurus (almost) in time for the Sun entering that Sign. And I want you to know: all of your preconceptions about Taurus are wrong — even when it comes to the very concept that Taurus is “the Bull.” You see, I’ve been studying the ancient Proto-Elamite writings, and have come to the conclusion that the ancient symbol for Taurus was, in fact… a taco truck.

TAURUS THE TACO TRUCK: FAQ

WAIT… THE CONSTELLATION LOOKS LIKE A BULL, NOT A TACO TRUCK.

By pointing this out you demonstrate that I am a much better astrologer than you. Obviously you know nothing about how astrological research actually works. I spent several weeks lying under taco trucks and I can tell you that this is exactly what they look like from below.

This also demonstrates how good ancient astrologers were, in that they were able to predict the rise of internal combustion engine vehicles. Also, tacos.

I JUST LOOKED UP “PROTO-ELAMITE” AND WIKIPEDIA SAYS IT’S NEVER BEEN TRANSLATED. HOW CAN YOU READ IT?

You fool! Do you see now what happens when you don’t sign up for my online course, Proto-Elamite for Dummies? (now taking new students, early-bird discounts available!)

HOW SHOULD THIS AFFECT OUR VIEW OF TAURUS?

Surprisingly, not much. Taco trucks are solid and stable and enjoy providing food and comfort for others, and appreciate making money doing it. Also, Tauruses tend to have certain emission problems, especially after a few tacos.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

For the answer to that I would like you to sign up for my new exclusive Onlyfans page entitled “The shocking things the Gemini twins are doing.” ($499, must be 18 years of age or older. Sign up now!)

Matthew Currie

Matthew Currie is an astrologer, counselor and writer with over 25 years of experience and numerous appearances on television, radio, and podcasts. He is the author of "Conquer The Universe With Astrology," (available on Amazon) and is available for private consultations. Send him an e-mail (astrologyshow@gmail.com). Matthew likes hearing from you.

He also predicted that yes, you WOULD end up here reading this.