Newsroom

Today’s Howie Mandel Horoscope: Howie Is Doing Just Fine, Thank You

It’s funny how sometimes a standard interpretation of an astrological transit can manifest itself in technically correct yet hilarious ways. Case in point: comedian Howie Mandel’s recent “escape from being held captive.”

Howie (born November 29th 1955, 10 AM, Toronto Canada) has Capricorn rising. This makes Cancer the ruler of his Seventh House. Although the Seventh House is most commonly associated with marriage and partnerships, it can also represent how people in general are reacting to you. Howie’s Seventh is ruled by his Moon, and transiting Venus recently turned direct within conjunction range of his Moon in Gemini. It wouldn’t be too much of a reach to state that he would be experiencing “more sympathy and concern than usual from people recently.”

However, this played out in a very unusual way in Howie Mandel’s case.

The internet is often a place where critical thinking goes to die, so its nutritious corpse may fertilize conspiracy theories. This is what happened about 5 or 6 days ago when a TikTok user successfully “spotted” a number of “clues” in a one-minute long video from Howie that apparently was a desperate cry for help. According to this user, this video has a number of hidden messages in it that indicate that Howie Mandel was being held captive against his will.

This is about as ridiculous as it sounds. Except of course, being patently ridiculous doesn’t necessarily stop things from spreading on the internet.

Don’t worry though. Howie has finally told everyone to cut it out. Howie is doing just fine, thank you.

…unless of course, his captors forced him to say that. In which case… if you will all excuse me now, I need to run on over to YouTube and make a 45-minute video about how the alien reptoid overlords are holding Howie Mandel hostage to ensure the correct act wins on America’s Got Talent.

Wake up sheeple! Prove me wrong! You can’t!