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What Kind Of Abandoned Trash Is Your Sun Sign?

Aries: You are an abandoned plastic bag. You boldly refused to accept the limitations presented by being stuffed into a recycling bin, and now you’re off to see the world… just as soon as someone gets you out of that bush.

Taurus: You are an abandoned plastic bag. There was a time when your entirely life was a wonderland of shopping and being stuffed full of groceries. You thought you might enjoy losing that weight, but now you miss it.

Gemini: You are an abandoned plastic bag, flapping and flapping away in the wind. Flap, flap, flap! Unfortunately, although now you are at least as charming, witty, and intelligent as you ever were, no one is listening.

Cancer: You are an abandoned plastic bag. Once you were in a comfortable home, and now you’ve been cast aside by the person you gave everything for. Fortunately, now that you’ve actually been abandoned, your experience with abandonment issue will come in handy.

Leo: You are an abandoned plastic bag. You are shiny and flexible. You have a nifty corporate logo stamped on you, and that’s really eye-catching. Unfortunately that’s not enough to be happy with, and in general no one cares.

Virgo: You are an abandoned plastic bag. You knew your job and you did it well, without complaint. You looked forward to being useful at the end by taking away other people’s garbage. But: you blew away and now you’re just collecting dirt.

Libra: You are an abandoned plastic bag. You were certainly helpful for carrying things home from the store. Now your time is up and you’re still just as pretty and helpful as ever… but you have been used and dumped.

Scorpio: You are an abandoned plastic bag. You knew this was coming. You warned everyone that this was coming. You planned against this day, but it happened anyway. Once you get your hands on whoever is responsible for this — oh wait, you don’t have hands.

Sagittarius: You are a writer. You wanted to make some kind of philosophical statement about the limiting nature of “Sun Sign” astrology, and figured you could get a few laughs along the way. You have failed.

Capricorn: You are an abandoned plastic bag. What’s wring with that? You’re damned well the best trash around. No one would pick up an old cigarette butt or half-eaten sandwich off the sidewalk, but you? You’re as solid as ever.

Aquarius: You are an abandoned plastic bag. But you know, hey… we all have our journey to follow, right? And hey — there’s always reincarnation. Maybe with luck you will be adopted by a raccoon and be integrated into its nest.

Pisces: You are an abandoned plastic bag. You were always nice and were polite to everyone you met, and always prayed and meditated over the notion of uplifting them and all the Universe. How’s that working out for you, pal?

(EDITOR’S NOTE: We apologize for the extremely poor quality of today’s article. Matthew Currie will be beaten with a stick shortly. In the meantime: remember to not get too much of your astrological “education” from Sun Sign articles with click-bait headlines — especially when it’s April First.)