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Stupid Garbage Venus, And Your Love Life: Talking To Your Ex

Welcome to “Stupid Garbage Venus,” in which I lament the current state of the planet Venus. Venus is currently both retrograde and square Neptune — thus, “stupid garbage Venus.” To mark this occasion, instead of the usual warnings, I am issuing deliberately bad advice on Venus-related matters. CLICK HERE for the introduction to this series, and CLICK HERE for some truly terrible financial advice.

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HOW TO PLAY HEAD GAMES WITH YOUR EX, SINCE HE OR SHE IS LIKELY TO BE CONTACTING YOU ANYWAY

Venus retrograde is often the time when one suddenly hears unexpectedly from an ex, or when we suddenly feel the urge to reach out to an ex. Sure, it’s extremely unlikely that whatever caused your breakup has changed, but who’s thinking clearly now anyway? Might as well have some fun with it!

–Pick an amusing scene from one of your favourite romantic comedies that you watched while you were with your ex. Message your ex about it, but insert yourselves into it instead of Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts, or whatever. Tell your ex that you still think fondly about that day. When your ex responds and tells you that that was in a movie, and didn’t actually happen? Make sure you respond in all caps with something like THAT’S NOT TRUE YOU’RE SO INSENSITIVE YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME YOU NARCISSIST.

–Phone your ex out of the blue. Tell him or her that the breakup was entirely your fault, and that you miss the incredibly good sex. Then make sure you call your ex by the wrong name.

-Send an angry message to your ex demanding that they return a certain piece of jewellery you got from your parents. After he or she vehemently denies having that item, pause and request that he or she buy you one.

NEXT TIME: Fun with screwing up your current relationship!